It could be bliss, but I’m no witness
I’m sitting next to the window, gazing through the outside scenery. A duvet of clouds, dropping shadows down to earth as the sun sets on the horizon, casting magical shining light-rays all over the sky.
It could be a moment of bliss, but thoughts playing their usual game, dragging me far away.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We’ll reach our destination in approximately 2 hours from now; potential turbulences are to be expected.”
These last weeks have been a journey between now, then, here and there. A balancing act of self-talks; if that makes sense? This moment when one event triggers every once hosted self-doubt to rise and take over you. A domino effect. You hit one pile and off you go.
Looking back, with today’s wisdom; I certainly failed as a father. My daughter turns 20 this month, but I can’t recall that we ever had a period of silence. My heart broke, causing despair to take over as she went on mute. I can’t imagine something more dreadful than this.
Outside, the sun is setting, causing the stars to gradually shine brighter through the constantly darkening of the firmament. Only a barely noticeable slice of brightness, the legacy of today’s sunlight, wishing farewell on the horizon.
It could be a moment of bliss, but I’m no witness.
Thoughts dragging me down the rabbit-hole. Like “This is your captain speaking”, automatically attracts your attention, to listen, to believe, to follow.
This speech, creeping through every past moment, every evidence of failure; proving.
His piercing words, persuading that nothing I’m doing is worth to be born, to continue, let alone to bring to an end; feeling worth and powerless.
Oh captain, my captain, what’s the point of telling me about all theses turbulences while there are none right now?
As I sit there, drowned in self-loath, I barely notice the moonlight and gleaming clouds, a picture drawn to the sound of Beethoven’s same named sonata. Tears pouring in between each wave of failures that is coming through.
Turning my captain’s radio down, his speech fading in between the midst of the clouds, the roaring of the plane, the moon, the earth, the sky.
There it is and always was… Bliss.
No, I didn't know... But I can feel it now! On one hand I know she's going her path now, this time, children leaving their nest. And it's normal that there's a separation taking place. On the other hand, I also know how much anger she carries along due to the divorce, anger she doesn't talk about. I know because I hold anger against my father for the very same cause. All I can do now is to solve this between me and my father, blessed enough to have him still around. Hoping it will help her too. She wished me a good morning 2 days ago, though nothing more, I trust our bond isn't totally broken... Letting her go now, finding her very own space. All I can do. Thank you so much for your kind words Deb! I really appreciate to have you here! ❤️🍀🙏
Dear Patrick, this broke my heart. I don't know if you know this but I began my writing journey two years after our oldest son decided to stop speaking to us and withhold grandchildren as well. It almost killed me. It broke us. We didn't know what we had done. We worked on whatever we thought we could work on. There is so much I can say but please know that I'm here and I have a lot of insight as to casual estrangement or casual and sudden dismissal/rejection of parents. You write beautifully. God Bless you. ox