The letter

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

4 years ago, I published a song I wrote in 2018, the only song I ever made public. It was a time of despair, mental pain, and helplessness. The root of what gave birth to “the unraveled mind” later on.

I remember how exhaustive the publishing process was. Sensible to any sort of critics, I felt like dropping my pants as I hit that upload button on YouTube, using the little energy left since I burned out in 2017. How could it be different if the predominant, unconscious conviction you have about yourself is of not being good enough?

I had to do this. I don’t even know why or what this urge was that I sensed. All I know is that I was close to give up in a final way.

The letter I wrote to my depressed-self, called “These Days”.

—

I see you come around to drag me down again,
to nail my heart right to the ground, isolate me from my friends.
I didn’t call you to pop by and take away my home.
Watch me slowly disappear and vanish from the world.
Trust I don’t expect you to follow down my path,
to help me through my misery and get rid of my wrath.
It’s time to throw it back to you cause I can’t stand this pain
get out of my way so I can live my life again.

These days are over when I treat you like someone else.
Gotta hold my head up high to find a way back to myself.

Staring at the window, jamming thoughts down through my head.
Life outside reflects the feelings lying in me dead.
Your presence eats my love just like the cancer ate my mom.
Fuck you, leave my world before the sun rises in the dawn.
Trust I don’t expect you to follow down my path,
to help me through my misery and get rid of my wrath.
It’s time to throw it back to you cause I can’t stand this pain
get out of my way so I can live my life again

These days are over when I treat you like someone else.
Gotta hold my head up high to find a way back to myself.

Video:

—

4 years later, sitting here, reflecting…

Oh yes, this depressive-self is coming back from time to time. And when he does, I welcome him, serving him tea; so am I right now. The reason I became quiet last week on here. He will move on.

I’m endlessly grateful I found a way to this present moment back in 2021-22; the now, free from the past and future clutter of our mind. Though it isn’t as easy to stay present as it is to understand from a conceptual point of view.

I had great ups and great downs since then. And when I say “great downs”, I’m not referring to these bottomless pits, depression can suck you in. I mean, the ability to experience downs outside of these pits. Being ok with it, understanding the wisdom it bears while knowing it will change; it will move on.

The good thing that comes with each visit is another repertoire of insights worth to share.

There’s no good or bad. Savouring the ups and welcoming the downs that let us grow.

My purpose, firing me up every day to pursue the only thing that makes sense to me. Sharing my journey to inspire others, realizing who they always have been. Free from this psychological-self we have built.

I’ll be back shortly, just need some more time to say goodbye to my depressive-self once more. He stands at the door right now; just need to wave.

Wish you all a present and conscious week! 🍀